Member-only story
The Relating Languages, or Why We Don’t All Just Get Along
Hi, I’m Sara, and I am an awkwardvert.
An “awkwardvert” (self-titled) is a mix of extrovert tendencies with a lot of social anxiety. I want to meet you, but I also want to run away. I have always struggled with, and searched for, answers to the following questions:
What are the rules for relating? The unspoken social norms that everyone seems to understand? The right words to use? The right activities to offer? The amount I should speak, or listen?
These constant curiosities led me to become a connection teacher. Who better to teach communication than someone who has parsed it out of need? I teach mostly through facilitation, leading others to discover their own norms and way of being. Over the last decade, I’ve found something interesting.
I tried to come up with universal “rules” of behavior. Yet, people are different (profound realization, I know). Some like small talk, some judge it. Some ask questions, some never do. Some talk for long periods of time, others are often silent.
Being a brainy type, the next question for me was: “Ah, but are there distinct WAYS we are different? Ways that, if understood, could allow us to relate with absolutely anybody?”
Turns out — I think — the answer is “Yes”.
Imagine….
….you are at a party.
You float from conversation to conversation, drink in hand, trying to find the one where you belong. Over here they are in a heated debate — nope, not your thing. Over there, a group is laughing loudly — nope, not part of that. Another crowd seems to be telling long stories — nope, you never feel like you have the right story to tell.
None of these groups feel right. You wish you could just settle into a deeper conversation with one person. Lightbulb! — you see an acquaintance standing alone in the corner, and head on over.
One of your friends, in the storytelling group, watches you go. He’s confused, because it seems like you never want to hang out with him. You get fidgety when he’s just trying to tell you about his day. Then again, he gets uncomfortable when some other people tell him stories: some people seem to want to perform, to have…
